If Charles Woodson doesn’t win Defensive Player of the Year, it’ll be the biggest and most obvious snow job since Forrest Gump won Best Picture in 1994 over The Shawshank Redemption and Pulp Fiction.

Happy 2010! I hope all of you had a festive and merry New Year’s celebration with the appropriate amount of champagne, an acceptable portion of cocktail shrimp, and a nice cigar to top off the evening (I know I did). I took the past weekend off to soak in the holiday as well as a personal little vacation (both my anniversary and my birthday occurred over the last few days), but that’s not to say I missed out on the NFL this weekend. How could I with so many playoff entries and seedings at stake? Some teams probably wished the calendar remained at 2009 (hello, Denver and Philadelphia) while other teams obviously made their resolution to kick ass. However you slice your cake, the Wrap-Up is back in action with a full serving of insight, fun, and copious parenthetical statements. We start, as always, with a recap of the Green Bay game followed by the rest of the league’s action.

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THINGS I’M STILL PONDERING…

• How much have you learned from watching your team pummel another for eight quarters in the last four months? Zilch. Green Bay won its second game over the Cardinals this season (including a preseason win) but no one really has any clue how these teams will match up when playing at full speed. By virtue of the Vikings’ drubbing of the Giants earlier in the day, Arizona had nothing to play for by gametime. Similarly, Green Bay had little motivation to play its starters through and through, although it’s true that Green Bay would have fallen to the sixth seed had they lost and traveled to Dallas next week. Anyway, this game was over in a hurry. Kurt Warner was a phantom, and you and I both know that Matt Leinart and Brian St. Pierre (who is the subject of my buddy Nick’s hilarious fantasy football team name, which I cannot disclose in this space due to obscenity laws) are not going to come close to playoff action barring a major disaster. I suppose what we can gleam from this game are the two players most likely to affect a Green Bay win or loss: tight end Jermichael Finley, who looks like a matchup disaster for any of the Cardinals’ secondary; and cornerback/All-World ballhawk Charles Woodson, who tied the league for tops in the interception department with his ninth of the year and returned it for his third touchdown in 2009. His eight total return touchdowns as a Packer are a franchise record–and he’s only been in town for four years. Talk about a savvy investment.
• Here’s an incredible statistic, courtesy of Twitter-friend @NFLfootballinfo: Green Bay is the first team ever to have consecutive seasons of a 4,000+ yard passer, a 1,200+ yard rusher, and two 1,000+ yard receivers. The passer is obviously Aaron Rodgers and the receivers are clearly Donald Driver and Greg Jennings. But how about Ryan Grant, who finished the year with the quietest 11-touchdown, 1,253-yard performance in modern history? He ended the season with more yards than guys like Frank Gore, Marion Barber, Cedric Benson, and Ricky Williams. Despite being on a team loaded with passing talent and geared toward an aerial game, he finished the year 7th in both attempts per game and touchdowns. Watching him play in limited action against the Cardinals (as well as previous weeks against Chicago and Seattle), it’s obvious to me that he’s more decisive than in months past and is looking to pick up those extra few yards after first contact. This bodes well for the Packers, whose magical 2007 run to the NFC Championship never happens if Grant doesn’t become a playoff spark plug.


52+90 = 2/11 of a top-5 defense.

• Three more interceptions by the Packers defense (the aforementioned Woodson pick-six, another Atari Bigby theft, and a Tramon Williams grab) put the Packers at +24 in turnover-differential for the year, marking them as the best in the league in that statistic. Remember in the first half of the year, when the Saints were just blowing everyone out of the water and looking like world-beaters? Remember how they lost their last three games? Part of that is due to a lack of turnovers from their formerly-opportunistic defense. Green Bay continues to make sacks, force fumbles, jump routes, and blow up plays in the backfield even after losing top stars Al Harris and Aaron Kampman. I know I bring this up almost every week, but how often do you hear about a team losing two of their top four or five defenders and not using it as an excuse for undisciplined or lackadaisical play? My hat (which is currently a gorgeous early-90’s Toronto Blue Jays ballcap, courtesy of a birthday gift from my buddy Brendan) goes off to defensive coordinator Dom Capers, but it also must be placed back upon my head and subsequently tossed a second time to general manager Ted Thompson (and in a tertiary metaphorical gesture, to all the Green Bay college scouts). Without their foresight and planning, Green Bay may not have been able to grab both bulky NT B.J. Raji and fiery gamebreaker OLB Clay Matthews in the first-round of this year’s draft.
• I’m saving my predictions for Sunday’s Wild Card game for the preview column later this week, so you won’t hear any early proclamations from this corner. Besides, as I noted earlier, who here knows anything about what might happen despite the amount of action these two squads have incurred? It appears that of the injuries accrued by both sides (the Cardinals lost CB Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and WR Anquan Boldin; Green Bay had to shelve Woodson and rookie OLB Brad Jones), the knee of Boldin appears to be the most serious. Something tells me that if Boldin can recover in two weeks from a shattered face (actual event from last season), a simple knee hiccup won’t stop him from participating in a playoff game. There’s a lot of grit in the 2009 Cardinals and a surprising amount of depth when compared to the 2008 team that nearly won the Super Bowl–but do you really feel like this is the same team that was within a miracle catch of their first championship? It’s hard to gauge, I know. Lucky for us, we have a few more days to argue about it.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH…

Do-overs are not exclusive to backyard football.
You’re going to experience a very acute sense of déjà vu this weekend in the Wild Card round. Green Bay travels to Arizona for the third time this season, but they’re not the only ones facing a very familiar foe. By virtue of their home shutout over Philadelphia, Dallas clinched the NFC East title and jumped all the way to the third seed from the sixth. Meanwhile, the Eagles replace the Cowboys at the bottom of the NFC playoff totem pole, and wouldn’t you know it, they have to travel to Dallas yet again on Saturday for the third installment. Late in the evening on Sunday, the Jets wrapped up their playoff entry with a shutout of their own against the visiting Bengals. Their prize? A trip this weekend to Cincinnati to face the Bengals once more. Football playoffs are suddenly resembling baseball playoffs! As far as my limited research could direct me, this is the first time in NFL history that three playoff games are rematches from the previous week. Only the Patriots/Ravens contest features teams that didn’t play each other this past weekend.

“Is that an audible to a run play I see? Timeout, ref!”

First, the Eagles/Cowboys game: who would have thought the Eagles, who looked so commanding the last month and a half, would have rolled over so half-heartedly? The Eagles’ receiving statistics belie the problem. Explosive outside threats DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin were each contained to three catches for 47 yards apiece. The leading Eagles receiver was tight end Brent Celek with 7 catches for 96 yards. Even more telling is the number of rushes Eagles head coach Andy Reid called: ten. I’m looking at this and seeing that Reid’s plan early was to attack Dallas’ cornerbacks with deep routes – the kind of explosive plays on which Jackson made his Pro Bowl reputation – but when that failed and Dallas jumped ahead, he abandoned the run and was forced to take short passes over the middle. Andy Reid abandoning the run game is about as obvious and almost as effective as Michael Bay spending 60% of his newest film’s budget on explosives. Tony Romo sure looks like a different player than years past when directing drives, especially without the help of his highest-priced toy, Roy Williams (DNP; sucks).

The AFC playoff picture was largely determined by the outcome of the Jets/Bengals game. Had the Bengals not played comatose and pulled off the win, the Houston Texans would have been the junior conference’s sixth entrant and celebrated their first ever playoff game. Alas, Houston fans, you’ll simply have to enjoy your first winning season and ponder losses to divisional opponents. The Bengals looked like they wanted no part of a team they were gearing up to play the following week, pulling Carson Palmer & Co. after a few weak series. I understand not wanting to risk injury, especially against the likes of LB Bart Scott and CB Darrelle Revis, but the Cincinnati offense has been running at half-speed for the last two months and giving starters the short shrift doesn’t seem to build any momentum.

Despite his season-ending injury, Wes Welker is a mortal lock for the Wayne Chrebet White Receiver Hall of Fame.

Speaking of momentum drainers, how about the Patriots against those Texans? New England watched their Pro Bowl receiver Wes Welker get taken off the field with season-ending knee injuries and then witnessed a 27-13 fourth-quarter lead evaporate into a 34-27 loss. As if that wasn’t enough, the face of the franchise, Tom Brady, suffered a broken ring finger to toss onto those three busted ribs he already has. The story of the Patriots this season has been: “Is the dynasty over?” or “Is Belichick outcoaching himself?” But really, it should be, “Tom Brady is doing more with the least amount of help since his first two seasons at starter.” I know it seems incongruous to say this with Randy Moss and Wes Welker both posting 1,000-yard seasons, but it’s Brady giving them the opportunity to make those numbers, not the other way around. The Patriots do not have a consistent rushing threat. The offensive line is allowing a number of brutal hits to Brady. Offensive coaches have been departing the Patriots for head coaching jobs for the last five years. And once more, New England strides into the playoffs, the team few expect to win it all and even fewer are rooting to do it. They’ll be facing a Baltimore team that boasts Ray Rice and Willis McGahee, but they can be shut down with gap discipline and solid tackling (note: you never want to be on the receiving end of what is called the “stiff arm from Hell”). When these two teams met all the way back in week 4, the Ravens only rushed 17 times in a close 27-21 loss. Methinks the attempts may rise a bit on Sunday. The Ravens D is pretty soft on the outside (how does Frank Walker still have a job with all the muggings he commits? He must wander the streets of Baltimore after games, holding up 7-11s in a sleepy daze) and can be too aggressive in their blitz packages if their pass rush doesn’t develop in the first half. Don’t sleep on Patriots/Ravens–it’s the only game that isn’t a re-run from last week’s episodes!

And for those of you turning your attention to the 2010 draft…
The Rams did it! They successfully earned the right to negotiate heavily with Ndamukong Suh’s agent to have him stand on a stage in April, awkwardly holding up a navy and gold jersey with the number 1 on it. I hope Suh can also play quarterback, the most deficient position on the terrible, awful Rams. For a while there, it looked like the opportunity to grab Suh would be in jeopardy against the 49ers as the game brilliantly throttled toward a 7-6 score early in the 4th quarter. It wouldn’t be long before Mike Singletary roused his quarterback Alex Smith from a peaceful slumber so he may throw a 73-yard touchdown to (the finally blossomed) TE Vernon Davis. Frank Gore added a pair of touchdowns to beat the point spread, I guess, and fool everyone into thinking that the Niners just could have maybe contributed if a few things went their way. Sorry, San Fran, but you needed not one but three more wins to make the playoffs. With your secondary getting consistently shredded by spread offenses and play action, even the mighty Patrick Willis couldn’t help you there.

In Miami, the Steelers took out two Dolphins quarterbacks and still nearly lost the game late. Starter Chad Henne played the first half but couldn’t return in the second due to a mysterious eye injury (I joked mid-game that Pittsburgh had employed Curly and Moe as defensive ends), then backup QB Pat White was carted off the field after a vicious hit. That left Tyler Thigpen to rally the troops, which he nearly did after some nifty footwork and a touchdown bomb to Davonne Bess showed why the Dolphins traded for him at the deadline this year. After recovering a Ben Roethlisberger fumble at the twenty, Thigpen threw an ugly pick into double coverage, showing why he’s still a third-string quarterback. The defending Super Bowl champs were later eliminated from playoff contention when Oakland lost to Baltimore. They need some new parts, especially along the offensive line (RT Willie Colon is good for at least two killer penalties a game and a sack allowed), and injuries to FS Troy Polamalu and DE Aaron Smith showed a surprising lack of viable defensive depth. The Steelers have been drafting high picks extraordinarily well the last six or seven years, but they need another good one to put themselves back in the elite echelon.

“Hey guys, check out my hilarious impression of Larry Johnson falling down after two yards!”

For either the Steelers or the Texans to make the playoffs, it was evident that the Broncos would have to fall apart against the Chiefs. Preposterous! pundits claimed (including me, who had them as ten point favorites last week) that the Broncos should lose at home to a divisional rival with a playoff berth on the line. OK, so it didn’t really matter that Denver lost, since wins by the Jets and Ravens would have knocked the Broncos out regardless, but it’s microcosmic of a season that began so illustriously and ended so dismally to lose by twenty to the Chiefs. We knew the Denver offense would look odd without deactivated WR Brandon Marshall and TE Tony Scheffler, along with injured WR Eddie Royal whose sophomore season was a decided bust, but why on earth is Kyle Orton dropping back to throw 56 times? And why is Jabar Gaffney catching 14 balls for 213 yards? More revealing is Chiefs RB Jamaal Charles’ rushing total: 259 yards and 2 touchdowns. He had a 10.9 average after twenty-five carries, not ten or twelve or fifteen. Denver should be more ashamed at that weak-ass effort in week 17 than anything else this season.

THE NO-HUDDLE…
The Colts drop a snowy game to the Bills and the Saints roll over against the Panthers and suddenly the world is frightened that these two teams won’t have the momentum necessary to push through to the Super Bowl. OK, there’s a kernel of truth in that sentiment, but let’s not go ahead and assume that Wild Card teams suddenly have an advantage over teams with first-round byes, otherwise teams would not play hard all year to earn that week(s) off…The Browns ended the Jaguars season early on Sunday with a somewhat surprising 23-17 win. RB Jerome Harrison put together a decent day (127 yards and a TD is nice, but a sub-4.0 average isn’t impressive to me) to overcome another comically bad performance by a Browns QB (step right up, Derek Anderson). Did you know that the Browns ended the year on a four-game winning streak, good for second-best in the conference behind San Diego and tied with Houston? Did you know that the Jaguars have a tight end named Zach Miller who caught two touchdowns Sunday, not to be confused with Raiders tight end Zach Miller who caught only one? Weird…For the second straight week, the Giants got burned early and often, this time by the Vikings and the almighty Brett Favre (4 TD passes). Someone in that coaching staff is going to get burned for this late-season collapse…Even with Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates sitting much of the game and Vincent Jackson sitting all of it, the Chargers had a nice comeback win over the Redskins. It’s fitting to me that the Jim Zorn era in Washington ends with four straight incomplete passes by Jason Campbell, the quarterback that got lukewarm support by Zorn and his crew…Congrats to Titans RB Chris Johnson, who eclipsed the 2,000-yard rushing mark in a 17-13 road win over the hapless Seahawks. He also broke Marshall Faulk’s record for most yards from scrimmage in a single season…A strange congrats to the Falcons: by beating the Buccaneers, you’ve recorded back-to-back winning seasons for the first time in your 34-year history…The Bears beat the Lions in a game few cared about, but I know I’m personally upset that Jay Cutler didn’t eclipse the 30-INT mark this year…
30 SECONDS OF FAME

I couldn’t resist any longer.

Yes, it’s way too easy to insult Bud Light’s marketing as crass, uninspiring, broad, ambiguous, childish, boring, and unfunny with poor timing. And no, this commercial isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen from them (you could even make a case that their awkward Tailgate Tested infomercial parodies are far worse). I guess I can’t even really complain about the super-abundant saturation of beer ads, since they pay an exorbitant fee to repeat their terrible commercials every fifteen minutes. I’m simply putting it out there as an official notice that Bud Light’s commercials are the absolute worse if you follow my proportional formula:

((Prestige of Brand + Quality of Commercial) X Saturation of Commercials) / Blank Stares – (Talking Animals + Ugly People)

Team/Player Photos: Green Bay Packers Team / Player Photos on Jul 25, 2010

WHAT I’M WATCHING NEXT WEEK:

Let’s be frank: there are twelve teams remaining in the hunt for the Lombardi, and eight of them square off this weekend. The 2009-2010 postseason gets started in five days when the Jets head to Cincinnati to face the Bengals (4:30 p.m., NBC). Later that night, it’s an NFC East rivalry (act III) when the Eagles and Cowboys meet in Dallas (8:00 p.m., NBC). On Sunday, the Ravens and Patriots clash in Foxboro (1:00 p.m., CBS) followed by the final Wild Card game in the desert between the Packers and the defending NFC champion Cardinals (4:30 p.m., FOX).