Cleveland’s reeling from the swine flu. Ryan Grant’s running game may have to be tested for a severe case of anemia.

Just as the NFL season was really heating up, with divisional races becoming more solidified, the cream rising to the top, and the bottoms falling out of more than a few teams, we’ve hit the most dreaded stretch of the calendar other than the week after the Super Bowl. We’ve reached the beginning of a three-week stretch where six teams have bye weeks! That means for nearly a month, we’re subjected to the ebb of the football tide: only 13 games a week! How will you cope? By reading the Six-Pack, of course! Let’s kick it off, as always, with our half-dozen morsels on next week’s Packers matchup.

PACKERS AT BROWNS

1. The most exciting bit of news out of Packers HQ for the second straight week is a re-signing of an old face to this relatively young squad. Ahman Green has rejoined the Pack for a very cheap price: the prorated cost of the league’s veteran (10+ years playing time) minimum salary of $845,000. In a corresponding move, the team placed the perennially fragile DeShawn Wynn on the injured reserve list, where he joins cornerback/return man Will Blackmon and defensive tackle/first-round bust Justin Harrell as players that will not see the field again in 2009. Green won’t see the field this week against Cleveland and may not next week against Minnesota, either, but it does provide the team with some long-term depth at a position that has come under scrutiny. Since the beginning of last year, Ryan Grant has rushed for only 3.8 yards per carry, not an abysmal total but far below his electrifying 5.1 ypc that helped propel Green Bay to the 2007 NFC Championship. Green was always a heady player and I think will make an excellent third-down back to pass-protect and catch checkdowns. For those of you who might think it would cause a locker room disruption I suggest you check out what Grant had to say on his Twitter account: “Everybody relax on signing Ahman lol..i was probably the biggest advocate..”


The Bat-Signal has been sighted hovering over Lambeau Field…

2. The other hot-button issue about next week’s game would have to be outbreak of swine flu in the Cleveland area, affecting a dozen Browns players and causing their Wednesday practice to be cancelled. So much for those who said Cleveland couldn’t even catch a cold. Swine flu, a.k.a. H1N1, a.k.a. a strain of Influenza A has caused a lot of consternation in America as a deadly epidemic sweeping through the countryside, picking off people left and right. Certainly, it can be fatal, especially to the young, the elderly, and those living in impoverished areas. However, we’re missing the point (carefully obscured by news outlets trying to jack up ratings): it’s the flu. The world deals with flu cycles every year, and every year there are casualties and every year we get over it. This isn’t a particularly vicious form of the virus, unlike another I can think of. Don’t worry about the players’ health: the NFL and individual teams are well-prepared to battle disease. Then again, this is the same ballclub that had at least two prominent players succumb to staph infections spawned in the locker room, so maybe there’s just something toxic about the Cuyahoga. I mean, other than the play of the Browns.
3. One fun rumor circulating this past week, coinciding with the league’s trade deadline on Tuesday: talks of standout Browns LT Joe Thomas being shipped to the Packers for any number of players, among them Ryan Grant, Nick Barnett, or A.J. Hawk. Maybe it was the fact he’s a Wisconsin native; maybe it’s the fact the man drafted after him in 2007, Gaines Adams, was traded to rival Chicago last week for a second-round pick. All things considered, this “trade rumor” never moved beyond the ephemeral blogosphere. Wouldn’t it have been nice to have a reliable Pro Bowler anchoring the left side of the line instead of the weekly will-he/won’t he starting conundrum of Chad Clifton? Methinks the 2010 draft will have Green Bay grabbing a left tackle rather early…
4. Derek Anderson, what a treat! To qualify for the league’s passer rating statistical category, a QB must throw 14 passes/game. Thirty-six QBs have made that cut so far this year, and “DA” ranks 36th among them. He’s completing a league-worst 44.4% of his passes and a paltry 4.7 YPA. Even though he’s thrown three times as many interceptions as touchdowns, Cleveland fans have to be delighted he’s somehow better than Brady Quinn, the megastar youngster the team traded up into the first round to grab only three years ago. Check out the roster of the 2007 Browns, a team that went 10-6 and narrowly missed the playoffs. Here’s the current roster. Notice the massive backwards overhaul in only three years of a near-playoff team? Gone are Braylon Edwards, Joe Jurevicius, Kellen Winslow, the entire linebacking corps, Shaun Smith, Orpheus Roye. Thank goodness the team still has that threat of Anderson and Jamal Lewis!
5. What a difference it makes to have Atari back (I sound like a kid from the mid-80s whose week-long grounding just ended)! Mr. Bigby returned to the Packers lineup last week and his presence was immediately felt. Al Harris and Charles Woodson resumed roaming the field like the predators they are; the linebacking corps was freed up to execute more elaborate blitzes; and hey, the secondary certainly didn’t suffer — Bigby added an end-zone interception to help preserve that shutout against the Lions. Another gem of that game that went hidden in the box score: OLB Aaron Kampman put his hand in the dirt for the first time this year. Allowing Kampman to rush from the three-technique instead of the two-technique paid instant dividends. He had by my count at least a half-dozen pressures, including a sack. A Kampman rejuvenation coupled with the meteoric rise of Clay Matthews on the other side of the field will give opposing coordinators headaches when trying to scheme blocking assignments. I suspect Mr. Anderson will be having a long day Sunday.


“Mr. Anderson…your quarterback play has become quite a nuisance to us.

6. As I mentioned on Tuesday, I’ll be in cloudy Cleveland this weekend to personally take in the Browns/Packers tilt, and boy, am I excited. I haven’t been to a Packers game since I was seven and watched them play the Eagles in the old Veterans Stadium (the Eagles won that game 13-7 when Brett Favre was stuffed on a late 4th-and-1 sneak attempt). You better believe I’m bringing my cheesehead to the Buckeye state. I don’t expect a lot of resistance from Cleveland – they’re pretty much in a downward spiral similar to that of Balloon Boy’s parents. In a related note, check out the official tourist’s guide to Cleveland. Despite the pock marks of the Packers, they should once again overpower a far less-talented team.
   Packers by thirteen.

WEEK SEVEN PREDICTIONS!

49ERS AT TEXANS

Michael Crabtree makes his debut! Aren’t you phenomenally excited? Yeah, me neither. Guy misses an entire summer of training camp as well as the first six weeks of the NFL season because he’s holding out on an assumed worth. That’d be like some crew-cut idiot fresh out of his M.B.A. at Boston College expecting $150,000/year from a company instead of their offer of $100k because his frat brother, who is like, such an idiot when he’s had fourteen Jaeger-bombs, got a $125k/year offer from a rival company. Artificial values beget other artificial values and the market price gets driven up without the product ever even being displayed! In this case, I side with the company (the Niners) who rejects this superficial argument. Anyway, since I picked against the Texans last week and they burned me, I’m obligated to once again trust Matt Schaub. I will now step into a vat of acid, a la Jack Nicholson as the Joker.
Texans by seven.

CHARGERS AT CHIEFS
I warned you Norv Turner was awful, but you didn’t believe me! Why didn’t you believe me? Eddie Royal burns him for one return – OK, I can forgive it, it was sharp blocking by the Broncos and these things happen from time to time. So why are you kicking to him again?? Wouldn’t your prime directive for your special teams unit be, “I don’t care if you shank this thing out of bounds eight yards from the line – DO NOT PUT IT IN HIS HANDS! HE SMELLS BLOOD!” Meanwhile, the Chiefs won last week almost by surprise. Do the Chiefs play tough? Absolutely. But there’s no reason to really think that Philip Rivers will let this team fall to 2-4 and even farther out of the AFC playoff picture.
Chargers by ten.

COLTS AT RAMS
Despite just having his bye week, Peyton Manning is tied for third in the NFL in touchdowns thrown with 12 (behind Drew Brees in New Orleans and – wait for it – Matt Schaub of the Texans). The Rams have given up the fifth-most yardage via the air in the league. Do you even consider the Rams to have a legitimate home-field advantage anymore? I mean, when it’s exciting news that your team has just beaten the blackout deadline and, hoorah, the game will be shown in your home market, is that the kind of confidence you’re supposed to receive from the fan base? Another game, another poopfest from the league’s new Lions.
Colts by twenty.

“I was just having the most wonderful dream. I was Marshall Faulk and it was 1999 and the Rams were relevant!”

PATRIOTS AT BUCCANEERS
What a weird matchup for the league to stage in London. One one side, you have the team that symbolizes America’s middle-finger to British colonial policies and represents a historical break from the world’s strongest empire. Their name is even NEW England. On the other side, you have the Buccaneers, a train wreck of a team owned by the Glazer family, whose majority acquisition of Manchester United – only by far England’s most loved and hated soccer franchise – has royally pissed off Brits who think the team shouldn’t be owned by a patsy Yank. You know what, though? The game will sell out anyway, because secretly every man, woman, and child wants to see a sporting event where a man will be hit in the chest and not roll around for fifteen minutes in fake agony. That’s not how you play “football.”
Patriots by fifteen.

VIKINGS AT STEELERS
This is going to be one of those smashmouth, in-the-trenches, battle royale, and every other kind of strained and inappropriate war-time cliché games where a physical run game and forced turnovers will dictate the outcome of what will presumably be a 4-2 slugfest of safeties. Only that’s not the case anymore. Ben Roethlisberger and Hines Ward are leading the league respectively in passing yards and receiving yards. The Vikings, despite their reputation as a defense-first team, have given up the seventh-most passing yards and likely lost excellent cover corner Antoine Winfield to an ankle injury this week. Meanwhile, the Vikings have a pretty balanced attack. Adrian Peterson naturally leads the league in overall yardage (618) and ypg (103) and is second in TDs (7) to Maurice Jones-Drew in Jacksonville. Brett Favre, on the other hand, has thrown for 12 touchdowns and only 2 interceptions in six games. That’s an efficiency likely to continue this week, as the Steelers are without DE Aaron Smith, lost for the year. Along with NT Casey Hampton, he’s one of the reasons teams rarely establish a consistent run game against Pittsburgh. So who will pick apart the other’s defensive holes? I’m going to buck convention here and pick the Steelers, because after living in Pittsburgh for four years I’m well aware this team plays best when conventional wisdom says they’ll lose. Don’t let me down, Steeltown. I’m making you my UPSET SPECIAL!
Steelers by three.

BILLS AT PANTHERS
I’ve had this matchup on my screen for like, fifteen minutes, trying to figure out something interesting to say. I guess the best I can do is let you know that Steve Smith is unhappy, Jake Delhomme still sucks, the Bills are throwing out Ryan Fitzpatrick at quarterback, and Lee Evans kills fantasy teams. The end.
Panthers by six.

The most interesting thing about this picture is not the man in the uniform but the uniform itself. Did they give a four-year-old a plain white uniform and a palette of primary colors?

JETS AT RAIDERS
Avert thine eyes, fans of QB play! After the first three weeks, the Jets thought Mark Sanchez would be a shoo-in for Rookie of the Year and lead them to an AFC East title. Three weeks later, they’re 3-3 and a game back of the Patriots, and Mark Sanchez has a lower QB rating than Jake Delhomme (it’s true!). What’s their saving grace? They’re going up against the Raiders and JaMarcus Russell. Don’t let last week’s performance fool you: Russell is really just a silly quarterback. He’s got all the necessary tools except, uh, the brain. He even spawned this massive inquiry by Greg Garber as to the distinct recipe for sucky quarterbacking. Who bounces back? I’ll take the team with the better running game.
Jets by eight.

BEARS AT BENGALS
The battle of the first two teams alphabetically in the league! As if you needed any intrigue beyond that, the Chicago Sun-Times reported earlier this week that standout running back Cedric Benson feels he was blackballed by the Bears and that the disrespect by the organization was covered up. A conspiracy theory involving a Bengals player? Now I’ve heard everything! Isn’t it weird that before the season started, Ced Benson was pretty much an afterthought and Matt Forte was a consensus top-5 back? Now Benson is the top-5 back and Forte ranks 24th in rushing and has fumbled more times (3) than he has reached the end zone (1). This is a legitimizing game for both of these teams who are coming off games they felt they could have won. The Bears need to keep pace with the Vikings and Packers. The Bengals need to do the same with the Steelers. Just like with the Jets/Raiders, I feel like in a game where most things are equal, you gotta take the stronger running game. It wears down a defense, especially in the second half, and chews up the clock, making the endgame more transparent and manageable.
Bengals by three.

FALCONS AT COWBOYS
Wade Phillips has never won a playoff game as a head coach. I know the Cowboys aren’t in the playoffs and there are plenty of games yet to be played, but I thought you should know when you watch his glassy-eyed stare on Sunday as he tries to figure out whether or not he should call the fourth consecutive all-slants play for Tony Romo. Your mission is to try and figure out why he’s still a head coach and what Jerry Jones has up his sleeve. Do you think on the Thanksgiving Day game, Wade’s head will just split open and a pod person will emerge? Anyway, I can’t stress to you enough that Dallas is overrated and Atlanta is underrated and all that means is a predictably unpredictable game where something goofy like a Hail Mary or blocked extra point (or both) wins this game.
Atlanta by one.

SAINTS AT DOLPHINS
This game will be broadcast in high-def everywhere except the Miami region, which gracefully decided to black the game out so Dolphins fans everywhere won’t be subjected to graphics like: DREW BREES = BEST QUARTERBACK IN THE NFL? VS. CHAD HENNE = JUST SOME GUY. You think Brees remembers how the Dolphins felt his body was a liability and went out to promptly sign Daunte Culpepper, then a year later pick up Chad Pennington? This would make about as much sense as a movie production company saying, “You know, we really want to make a thoughtful, engaging film this summer. That’s why we’ve decided to replace you, Darren Aronofksy, with Michael Bay.” That’s the analogy I’m going with. Culpepper, Pennington, and Henne are the equivalent of Pearl Harbor, Transformers, and Pearl Harbor II: America’s Sweet-Ass Revenge. And something tells me Drew Brees is going to treat the Dolphins defense like those business suits treat Jennifer Connolly at the end of Requiem for a Dream.
Saints by seventeen.

In this extended metaphor, Chad Henne would be Ben Affleck. Uh-oh.

CARDINALS AT GIANTS (8:20 PM, NBC, SNF)
After last week’s dismantling of the Seahawks, the Cardinals travel east to take on the Giants who were pickpocketed by the Saints down in N’awlins. You have to think this game will have playoff tiebreaker implications, since the Cards are the frontrunner to take off with the NFC West and the Giants seem to have the best shot at the NFC East. NBC has promoted this game as Kurt Warner returning to the only city where he didn’t have success. Yeah, well, they were kind of itching to give Warner the hook to install golden child Eli Manning. Anyway, Brandon Jacobs is hurting and I’m feeling the annual striking of “Eli Manning experiences anterograde amnesia and can no longer adapt to defenses.” Plus, Larry Fitzgerald. I mean, come on.
Cardinals by six.

EAGLES AT REDSKINS (8:30, MNF, ESPN)
Michael Vick returns to DC to give his testimony before the United States Supreme Court. Whoops, that’s not right! Jim Zorn sits outside the Capitol building, hoping to utilize telecommunications lobbyists like his old friend and teammate, Steve Largent to jam the wireless headset signal of new offensive playcaller, Sherman Lewis. Ah, that’s not it, either. What the hell IS the angle for this game? Ah, yes. The Eagles begin their first week of a three-game set against NFC East opponents (against whom they usually play quite well), and the Redskins play for the very first time this year a team that already has at least one win coming into the match. While the Yankees are out buying themselves an AL pennant, at least the Redskins are proof you can’t always purchase your way to glory.
Eagles by thirteen.

BYE WEEK BITES

Ravens: The whole team heads to Lancaster, PA, to try some of that steak and fish Joe Flacco has been ravin’ about (get it??).

Broncos: Josh McDaniels’ knows his team really fuels itself on talk that the Broncos are a flukish, overachieving team not worthy of respect. So he’s brought on a team of consultants like Chad Ochocinco, Steve Smith, and Terrell Owens to really juice up a team that, let’s face it, is performing wayyyy over its head.

Titans: Jeff Fisher attempts to usurp Peyton Manning among the leaderboard of TV commercials.

Jaguars: Jacksonville teammates Maurice Jones-Drew and Mike Sims-Walker visit local classrooms to stress the importance of punctuation in English grammar, particularly the hyphen.

“Now kids, ‘end zone’ would not get a hyphen but ‘last-place finish’ would.”

Lions: Beset by injuries to Matthew Stafford and Daunte Culpepper and general crappiness from Drew Stanton, the Lions attempt to convince Barry Sanders to return to the team. As quarterback.

Seahawks: I do believe it’s Pumpkin Spice Latte season at Starbucks. What else would you be doing during monsoon season in Seattle?

Last week: 7-7
Overall: 59-31
Upset Special: 2-4