Mark Tauscher, seen here doing his best Allen Barbre impression, is on the verge of being signed by the Packers to fortify the weak link in a potent offense.

This week the Packers mercifully have a bye, so we’re going to truncate the usual length of the Six-Pack down to a smaller portion…how about a three-pack? I think you can handle it. Usually, the Six-Pack is posted on Fridays, but I’m headed out of town today. Lucky you – a whole day earlier than normal! As always, you can follow my updates on Twitter or leave a comment below.

1. The first thing Green Bay absolutely needs to address during the two-week layoff is protection issues. As detailed in this blog and many other sources, the current rate of failure is catastrophically high. Aaron Rodgers can throw for 384 yards every week but it won’t amount to squat if he’s getting sacked five times a game, and yes, that’s the current average. In the Minnesota game, Rodgers dropped back to pass 46 times (that’s including QB rushes, sacks, and the two-point conversion). He was pressured on 19 of those plays. That means nearly every other down, Rodgers had a warm body gunning for his torso. You can’t develop a consistent offense around that sort of imminent threat! As reported by Rob Demovsky of the Green Bay Press-Gazette, the Packers are close to signing former starting right tackle Mark Tauscher to provide depth at the position. The only problem is that Tauscher exclusively plays right tackle, and while Allen Barbre isn’t outstanding (he got dominated in the opening week against the Bears) he’s probably going to outlast any challenge from Tauscher for a few weeks. Incumbent left tackle Chad Clifton should return from an ankle injury after the bye week that kept him out of the Vikings and Rams games, a relief to Packers fans that saw backup Daryn Colledge allow 8.5 sacks in two games (third-stringer T.J. Lang, forced into action after Colledge left with what he called a minor injury, also gave up a sack). Stability is the first thing that needs to be achieved. Colledge needs to move back to the left guard position, and Jason Spitz needs to move back to center from left guard. The shifting is disrupting the chemistry necessary to have an effective line. Unlike run blocking, which requires a lineman to rush forward into a specific man (or area) in a specific direction, pass protection involves dropping backward and defending space. Double-team assignments may need to be implemented. Teammates need to be aware of weaknesses and strengths, and what to do when the defense employs blitzes, stunts, twists, and delays. Yes, Rodgers has made poor decisions on a few of the sack plays (Aaron, for the love of God, the checkdowns are there for a reason), but the shoddiness is endemic of an issue that needs to be addressed immediately. Hopefully, the issues are mechanical (in particular, the tackles seem to be susceptible to speed moves) and can be corrected in drills. If it’s psychological, that may take time and positive results. Hey, at least we play the Lions after the bye.
2. Did Ryan Grant disappear in the offseason? Or are we willing to admit the zone blocking scheme just isn’t effective? Or maybe a combination of the two, that Ryan Grant is not the correct back for the zone blocking scheme? In any event, the rushing statistics through the first quarter of the season are blush-inducing. Less than 100 yards per game. Ranked 28th with just over 23 attempts a game. Tied for 30th with our longest run of a whopping 17 yards. The team currently sits at 14th in rushing average at 4.2 ypc, but if you subtract Aaron Rodgers’ yardage (which is largely a result of scrambling and not designed plays), the average drops to 3.8 ypc, good enough for a 20th place tie. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: this offense’s success is largely predicated on the ability to use the play action. No run game means defenses are free to drop their safeties back and linebackers are going to be more disciplined in remaining in their zones. Another large part of this offense’s success relies on yards after the catch, especially on the quick hitches, slants, drags, flares, screens, and crossing routes designed to give the receiver an opportunity to make moves in space. This Packers group arguably has the best receiving corps the team has ever been blessed with, yet how can a squad accumulate YAC when they’re third in the NFL in dropped passes? Donald Lee’s fourth down dropsy was embarrassing on Monday night, but it’s the other Donald, Mr. Driver, who should be ashamed. He normally owns the stickiest set of digits, but right now he’s at about a drop per game. Time for the skill positions to earn their reputation for being high-octane.
3. Finally, it’s important to understand that the 3-4 defense is not panacea for every symptom of last year’s illness. Al Harris and Charles Woodson, particularly the latter, are playing as well as they ever have. They’re also smart enough to know they cannot cover 3/4 of the field and they need to rely on safety help. Derrick Martin’s mental lapses are inexcusable. That’s the reason the club cut Aaron Rouse. Jarrett Bush is no long term solution at safety, either. Nick Collins is a Pro Bowl defender and the club should benefit from the return of Atari Bigby in two weeks. But let’s not forget that there were concerns about Bigby’s ability to read and react appropriately to plays. He took the wrong angle on several plays in the first couple weeks, and although he wasn’t caught way out of position like Martin, he would have to be considered the liability in an otherwise strong backfield. One can easily tell that Aaron Kampman is very uncomfortable playing standing up and dropping into coverage, too. Putting Kampman or even cover specialist Brandon Chillar on an athletic tight end like Greg Olsen or a slot receiver is a mismatch for the offense every time. Of course, Dom Capers is going to try and minimalize those matchups by creating pressure on the QB. That won’t always work, as evidenced in the Minnesota game, where Brett Favre was sacked zero times and only hit once the entire game. Big blitzes aren’t the easy solution: a heady veteran QB (e.g. Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, Ben Roethlisberger, and so on) will read the blitz and find the vacated spot on the field. Ever wonder why those kinds of quarterbacks are so frustrating to play against? It’s because teams feel like they have to stuff the pocket with blitzes and end up digging their own grave. No, the pressure’s gotta start with the four guys sent after the QB on any given play. Maybe Kampman should put his hand in the dirt more. My brother, a defensive tackle on his high school team, noticed that when Kampman was sent in to rush (most downs, this was the case) he was trying to read any gaps in the offensive line and then run in, instead of firing off the snap and using any number of his fantastic moves. Remember, this is a guy who has been top ten in the NFC in sacks the last few years running. Part of it was an attempt to slow down Adrian Peterson, I know, but when Favre is carving up the defense and having time to cook a nice shrimp bouillabaisse in the backfield, it’s time to let your pass rushing extraordinaire do his thing.
   
   This man has averaged over 12 sacks a season in the last three years. Naturally, we’re going to stand him up and attempt pass coverage.

WEEK FOUR PREDICTIONS!

VIKINGS AT RAMS
Thus begins the week of stupefyingly mismatched games. Let’s see: historically awesome quarterback going against league-worst defense; ultra-competitive running back who got shut down last game seeking revenge; opportunistic cornerbacks facing off against Kyle Boller and a collection of practice squad wide receivers. If it sounds like a trap game, that’s only because you’re not trying hard enough.
Vikings by fourteen.

RAIDERS AT GIANTS
I’m just going to begin a count now: Stupefyingly Mismatched Game #2. Eli Manning is being coy about whether or not he’ll return for the game. Even Manning’s backup, David Carr, couldn’t botch this game. I’m going to go out on a limb and say the only way Oakland has a chance is if Tom Cable waltzes into the New York locker room pre-game and punches every single starter in the face, knocking them out. Even then, the Raiders would probably lose by three. Since that scenario is somewhat unlikely…
Giants by thirteen.

BUCCANEERS AT EAGLES
SMG #3. The Buccaneers are so bad that the fans on the famous ship in the end zone at Raymond James Stadium have threatened to mutiny and took Vinny Testaverde and Trent Dilfer as hostages. Fun fact: the Buccos only get a first down on 25% of their passes. The only team worse is their compatriots in maraudership, the Raiders. For the second straight year, a Philly sports team is going to lay the smack down on a Tampa sports team.
Eagles by eleven.

“Avast! The beatings will continue until turnover differential improves!”

REDSKINS AT PANTHERS
Did you know the Redskins are actually .500? I could hardly believe it myself. I tried to refresh my browser a couple dozen times until I got a different result, but all that ended up happening was my browser crashed. This is hardly the only damaging thing the Redskins have done all year. For one, they lost to the Lions (??? – and yes, I will continue to use this joke until I tire of it, which won’t be anytime this year), and secondly, they waste the talents of the infinitely humorous Clinton Portis by pairing him with sourpuss Santana Moss and underachiever Jason Campbell. Speaking of underachievers, can you believe Jake Delhomme? For all of us expecting three, maybe four interceptions a game – and perhaps, placed bets on that assumption – he is sorely underachieving in that department. I mean, it’s better to be great at something ridiculously bad than to be ridiculously bad at something great (i.e. playing quarterback in the NFL). This career move has worked out wonderfully for William Hung. Wake me up when Jake Delhomme has done something even remotely comparable to this. Oh, a pick? Flip a freaking coin.
Panthers by two.

BENGALS AT RAVENS
Finally! A reasonably interesting game! The winner of this has a de facto two-game cushion on the loser in the highly competitive AFC North (note: the phrase “highly competitive” is conditional upon the exclusion of the Cleveland Browns from the conversation). I’ve never been to Cincinnati, but I can tell you that Jerry Springer used to be the mayor, Pete Rose is the master of both Hustle and hustling, and, um, it’s kind of hard to spell. Baltimore, on the other hand, once inspired this immortal exchange between Robert Downey, Jr. and Val Kilmer in the contemporary classic Kiss Kiss Bang Bang:

DOWNEY, JR.: “Because I fall off a building, ten people in Baltimore…survive a bus crash? Swell, they’re enjoying Baltimore. I’m lying here with my brains out.”

KILMER: “I’ve been to Baltimore, you win.”

Instead of “Charm City,” can’t we just say, “Baltimore: Arguably Better Than Perishing from Great Heights!” Fantastic. I love Old Bay.
Ravens by six.

BROWNS AT BILLS
This isn’t a stupefying mismatch. It’s just stupid. The Browns are starting Derek Anderson at quarterback. I think he needs to shake it up a bit, change his name to Derryk Anne Durcin. That’ll throw the linemen off his scent. As for the Bills, did you know they got T.O. this past offseason? Yeah, neither does Trent Edwards. Am I allowed to predict the game will be forfeit due to lack of public interest? Ah, screw it. Since real predicting doesn’t seem to help, let’s make this my UPSET SPECIAL! of the week. Got a feeling that since both Jamal Lewis and Braylon Edwards aren’t playing, the Browns might actually score some points.
Browns by four.

STEELERS AT LIONS
SBM #4. Technically, the Lions are only one game worse than Pittsburgh. You and I both know that you can’t spell “statistics” without “tics,” as in the nervous tics one gets contemplating betting on the Lions to beat Pittsburgh.
Steelers by ten.

COWBOYS AT CHIEFS
The current Texan team takes on the team formerly known as the Dallas Texans! Which is kind of confusing, since there’s now a team called the Houston Texans. What do you think the chances are that Tony Romo will still find a way to get intercepted by Champ Bailey this week? I hate the Cowboys on the road in a hostile environment, especially after just traveling west last week. But I hate the Chiefs even more, as I point out almost every week.
Cowboys by six.

This isn’t a fan; this is an in-game shot of Chiefs starting mack linebacker Corey Mays.

FALCONS AT 49ERS
Our long national nightmare is over! San Francisco fans finally have something to look forward to this season, now that Crabtree has signed a six-year contract. To make room for Crabtree’s ego, the team has waived six players. I do like the Niners and I don’t think the Falcons are much more than a fringe wild card team, but I think the extra week of rest will allow Atlanta to come up with an effective scheme to stop the offensive juggernaut that is Shaun Hill and Glen “Iced” Coffee. Wouldn’t it just be perfect if the Seahawks traded for Glen? They wouldn’t even have to splurge on marketing.
Falcons by three.

JAGUARS AT SEAHAWKS
Hey! Speaking of those Seahawks….um…is Hasselbeck starting this week? No? I don’t really know how I’m doing this, but the words are just flying off my fingertips. I actually think I’m picking the–
Jaguars by seven. I’m surprised, too.

PATRIOTS AT BRONCOS
Pats fans still remember that playoff game in January 2006 where the Broncos somehow clipped the Pats and advanced to the AFC Championship game, only to get beaten by the King Midas Touched by Gold Team of the Decade, the 2005-6 Pittsburgh Steelers. All I can remember of that season was hideous neck beards. Seriously, Jake Plummer, Ben Roethlisberger, Kyle Orton…it was a formidable task watching the scruff grow ever southward as winter progressed. Now Tom Brady – there’s a man who knows the value of a clean-shaven cleft chin. He also seems extra-pissed this year; I guess he’s making up for the lack of genuine Bill Belichick vitriol. He’s getting more placid in his old age. I hear Bill even fed pigeons some bread crusts the other day without criticizing their flight formations.
Patriots by seven.

“No, no, you urban hell-rats. It’s Peck Peck Warble Z Fox Slant 46 Draw Poop!

TEXANS AT CARDINALS
Final score: 104-101 (OT). Both teams are coming off their bye, so…oh, the Texans just had a home game against the Raiders last week. That means they’ll be more rested than Arizona, so Coach Whisenhunt will have to account for that. If I know anything about Houston, then they’re due for a loss. Except when I pick them to lose, they win. So they’re going to win. Except when I pick them to win, they lose…screw it. In some universe, the Texans make sense, just not this one.
Cardinals by ten.

COLTS AT TITANS
What are we up to? Stupefyingly Mismatched Game #5 for the week. Peyton Manning will be on national television for the third time in four weeks, all of which have been on the road. How weird is that? I guess ABC and ESPN have decided, “You know what, Indianapolis? It’s always a lot of fun going to your place – seriously, can’t get enough of that cute Christmas tree you put up in the middle of town – but I think this year we’re going to explore the rest of the country.” Yeah, like Nashville’s a real peach. Tried Tennessee “barbecue” for the first time this year – totally overrated. North Carolina BBQ rocks the hell out of that crap they serve down on Broadway.
Colts by a million. I mean sixteen.

JETS AT DOLPHINS (8:30 PM, ESPN, MNF)
SMG #6. Way to follow up cable nirvana with this dud. What, you think because Mark Sanchez had a rough time in a raucous dome against one of the five best teams in the league, he’s going to be forced into a shootout with freaking Chad Henne? The Dolphins one strength (rushing offense) is going to be negated by the Jets super-strength (rushing defense). Also, the Dolphins will probably try to be all Miami-cute and wear white jerseys with white pants at night. It doesn’t matter if it’s before or after Labor Day. That combo is just bad news, not that teal or orange jerseys make it any more palatable. OK, I swear – one of these days I will write up that uniform ranking scale I’ve been promising. The most fun you’ll get out of this game is watching Braylon Edwards catch touchdowns and Browns fans light themselves on fire. Which they could easily do by walking into the Cuyahoga River.
Jets by five.

White on white with teal and orange accents is the official color scheme of both Miami and the third circle of Hell (reserved for perpetrators of massive eyesores).

BYE WEEK BITES

Chicago: Jay Cutler has turned things around quickly, eh? Or, wait, is this the team that escaped with a home victory over the Steelers then struggled mightily to beat the Hasselbeck-less Seahawks? As long as they get Matt Forte going, this is a playoff team. History frowns upon those reliant upon Jay Cutler.

San Diego: Norv Turner is spending the bye week trying to figure out how to put new AA batteries in his remote control. First, he’ll put them in backwards. Next, he’ll set the batteries next to the remote and expect things to kind of work out naturally. Finally, he’ll blame an assistant coach. Hooray for dysfunction!

New Orleans: Not much to report here. Things running quite swimmingly in the Big Easy. I’m eagerly anticipating their matchup with the Giants in a few weeks, unlike those with dyslexia, who will instead be tuning in to see the Gaints/Siants game.

Last week: 11-3
Overall: 42-20
Upset Special: 1-3