This week, Charles Woodson will have his hands full covering Chad Ochocinco’s ego. That thing has some wheels.

Bengals at Packers

Carson Palmer brings the team masquerading as the Cincinnati Bengals to Lambeau Field this week for a contest against the Packers. Here are six quick-hitting points about the upcoming game:

1. Which running game will break it loose on Sunday? Ryan Grant went for 68 yards on 16 carries (1 touchdown) against the Bears. Cedric Benson rushed 21 times for 76 yards (1 touchdown). Both averaged just under 4 yards a carry. I give Keith Rivers and the Bengals linebacking crew a lot of respect – I think they’ll do pretty well against Grant. He’s not the kind of speedy back that could give them trouble. He’s going to make one cut and try to pick up yards the tough way. Cedric Benson is a lot like that, but I don’t see him getting too far past the line if Green Bay’s D plays as much in the backfield as it did last week. Other than two or three runs, Matt Forte couldn’t get his motor going because he constantly had to deal with being hit so quickly. If both run games stall, which could easily happen, this will turn into an aerial competition. Neither head coach wants that, but it might actually be more of a detriment to Green Bay, whose reliance on the play-action fake is critical to their success. The game winning toss to Greg Jennings last week happened on a play where the cornerback bit hard on a play fake.

2. How will Chad Ochocinco fare? For that matter, how will the Bengals offense respond to last week’s abysmal showing? They were shut out by Denver’s pedestrian defense until the final minute of play. Carson Palmer threw for 2 picks and had a rating of 61.0. Ochocinco actually had 89 of Palmer’s 247 passing yards, but do you think he misses his old teammate T.J. Houshmanzadeh much? Ochocinco has said that if he scores a touchdown this week he’ll attempt a Lambeau Leap. He might get the chance if Carson Palmer can stay upright, since starting strong safety Atari Bigby (best name on the Packers!) is out for the next month. Aaron Rouse, his replacement, is a big, aggressive safety, but doesn’t have the same football IQ. Look for the Bengals to gameplan a way to stretch the seams with play-actions or stop-and-go routes in an attempt to catch Rouse flat-footed.

Ochocinco tiene gusto de saltar del Lambeau!

3.This awesome analysis of Dom Capers’ blitzing (courtesy of the Green Bay Press-Gazette) illustrates the myriad number of ways the new 3-4 defense can attack the QB. Carson Palmer was sacked 3 times by Denver’s defensive line, which is filled with castaways and has-beens. I can only imagine the anxiety Levi Brown and the rest of that Cincy O-line is feeling lining up against beasts like Cullen Jenkins and Aaron Kampman. Green Bay might get an additional boost on their D-line if first-round pick and projected left end B.J. Raji is able to play this week. A fresh front seven is the key to making a 3-4 defense work, and if those big boys can get a rotation going, they’ll be able to keep hitting Palmer well into the fourth quarter.

4. How will Aaron Rodgers progress from last week? He only passed for 184 yards, and over a quarter of that came on the bomb to Jennings, which doubled as the only touchdown he threw during the game. The key to further success in the pass game starts up front. RT Allen Barbre’s struggles were well-documented during and after the Bears game last week. He was absolutely destroyed by pass-rushing specialist Adewale Ogunleye. This week he’ll face off against Robert Geathers, who nobody will confuse with the next coming of Bruce Smith. Still, he has to show that he’s worth his salt, or coach Mike McCarthy will have to think hard about activating backup Breno Giacomini, a 2008 5th-round pick.

5. Speaking of fragile psyches, one has to imagine the Bengals still feel nauseated after Leon Hall’s tip drill last week. Dhani Jones probably has had nightmares of Brandon Stokely speeding to the end zone. He’s also probably had nightmares of his bow tie business failing. Now Jones and the rest of the Bengals D is going to have to worry about Green Bay’s fearsome receiving corps. Yet the jitters might be contagious. Last week, I counted at least six drops by Green Bay receivers, two by the normally sure-handed Donald Driver. Three of the drops were on third down. That kind of inefficiency won’t play week-to-week in the big leagues.

6. Enjoy the sights of the green and yellow, fans at Lambeau. Green Bay won’t play another home game until week six (Oct. 18) when they face the Lions. The Bengals travel home next week to play against their archrival, the Steelers. Coach Marvin Lewis has to make sure that his team is focused to play. And if they’re not focused, it’s okay, because the world won’t notice that the Bengals have failed again. It’ll feel natural and harmonic.

Prediction: Packers by eleven.

AROUND THE LEAGUE…

Panthers at Falcons
Who had a worse week, Jake Delhomme or Kanye West? Both made a total ass of themselves on television Sunday. Both have seen their careers take an unforseen, ugly turn: Delhomme’s interception troubles and West’s fetish for AutoTune. But only Kanye West was called a “jackass” by the leader of the free world. Sorry, Jake. You lose this round, and you’re also going to lose this roadie against Hotlanta.
Falcons by four.

Kanye West doesn’t care about white people!

Vikings at Lions
Matthew Stafford is starting for the second time in his NFL career. Brett Favre will be starting his 271st consecutive game (note: assuming he has not retired by the time this article is published). Matthew Stafford was three years old when Brett Favre was drafted by the Atlanta Falcons. Both quarterbacks will probably make about $10 million this year. What do these comparisons have to do with the game? Not a damn thing, but I had to talk about something other than Adrian Peterson getting stupid on the Lions defense.
Vikings by thirteen.

Texans at Titans
Let’s get this out of the way now. I was dead wrong about the Texans last week. I was sniffing crazy glue. I drank the Flavor-Aid (note: read here how “drinking the Kool-Aid” became a cultural catch phrase despite erroneously naming the drink used in the Jonestown Massacre as Kool-Aid and not Flavor-Aid). But…somehow, I’m feeling something in the wind this week. Something’s not quite right. I am incredibly surprised at how tough Tennessee’s defense played at Pittsburgh last week. They will have had nine days of rest by kickoff Sunday. Houston’s offense has yet to tally a single point this season. The Titans have won 11 of 14 matchups against the Texans. Still, I feel compelled to pick the Texans as my UPSET SPECIAL! No real rhyme or reason to this. Just a hunch. (Don’t let me down again, Schaub and Slaton, or I will bench you from my fantasy team.)
Texans by two.

Raiders at Chiefs
For the longest time, the only NFL games I abhorred more than NFC West matchups were those of the AFC West. I even like the Chargers, but it’s those Raiders/Chiefs/Broncos games that just brutalize my eye sockets. What’s to like about Kansas City and their McDonaldLand-inspired uniforms? I realize these teams had classic matchups, like, thirty years ago, which is incidentally the last time anyone has reported Al Davis awake and alert. I don’t care. This is the 21st century, and these teams annoy me. I’d pick a tie if I could.
Chiefs by four. Whatever.

Patriots at Jets
Ah, here’s a matchup worth relishing (see how I played off the McDonald’s association there?). Rex Ryan has called out the media’s love of all things Boston, saying he wasn’t brought in as Jets coach just to kiss Bill Belichick’s rings. Bill Belichick responded with vigor and pulsed veins on a radio show this week! When asked if anyone had ever kissed his Super Bowl Rings, Belichick grabbed the microphone and stared a death stare and said, “Uh…I don’t think so.” Them’s fightin’ words in Northern New Jersey, bub! Anyway, Mark Sanchez looked pretty solid for a rookie QB starting his first ever game on the road. Now he gets to face off against the team that owns the Jets’ collective soul. I’m feeling a faceplant for Sanchez, something in the range of 12/25, 170, 1 TD/3 INT, 4 sacks.
Patriots by nine.

Saints at Eagles
I love this one already! Two offense-hungry teams. A city with dyspeptic, borderline insane fans getting its first home game. A kicker getting suspended for using ADHD medication to stay awake. As if all that drama wasn’t cause for dramamine, the Eagles had to throw in another fun wrinkle this week by signing Jeff Garcia. Guess that Kevin Kolb drafting is really working out for the team. Anyway, McNabb might play, despite cracking his ribs during a completely pointless touchdown during last week’s rout at Carolina. I’d let Donnie Fresh rest this week and give Old Man Garcia a shot at winning a shootout. Or maybe we’ll see the Eagles’ first-team offense trot on the field and the FOX announcers will be spouting off platitudes on the courageousness of NFL quarterbacks and showing McNabb’s statistics when suddenly, the quarterback rips off his jersey to reveal a No. 7. Dick Stockton will yell, “That’s Michael Vick’s number!” and the crowd goes berserk. Cameras cut to Roger Goodell in a press box, red-faced and shaking his fist. This is my dream.
Saints by seven.

Garrett Hartley: hardcore drug abuser/part-time NFL kicker.

Rams at Redskins
The Rams are still looking for their first points this season. The Redskins are still looking for their first sign that Jason Campbell can lead their team to a playoff win. The former will happen this week; the latter will not. Keep in mind that the Rams shocked the Redskins in Maryland last year. A repeat isn’t terribly likely, but then again, who the hell knows with a team like the ‘Skins. If they lose to the hapless Rams, the Supreme Court will have no choice but to determine that the name “Redskins” is clearly offensive to Native Americans.
Redskins by four.

Cardinals at Jaguars
A battle of two disappointments: the reigning NFC champs were beaten at home by somebody named Shaun Hill and the Jaguars are staring down the barrel of eight home blackouts this year. On the bright side, Jacksonville brass is so confident in their 2009 squad that owner Wayne Weaver is already discussing the positive benefits Tim Tebow would have on the team. Nothing like speculating on spending a high draft pick on the most popular quarterback in the state of Florida to instill confidence in incumbent QB David Garrard. Wasn’t it just a few years ago the Jags kicked Byron Leftwich to the curb because they loved Garrard’s composure, poise, and arm? And wasn’t it just a few years before that that Mark Brunell, the only QB to lead the Jags to the AFC Championship, was given his pink slip because they had found something special in a youngster named Byron Leftwich? Beware, Tim Tebow. The Jaguars aren’t who they seem to be. In fact, by the time you are drafted by them next year, “Jacksonville” could be code for “Los Angeles.”
Anyway, Cards by ten or so.

Seahawks at 49ers
Look out, world! These two teams who picked in the top ten of this year’s draft are already co-leaders of the ultra-competitive NFC West. Everyone who thought this was the weakest division in the league before the year started is eating humble pie right now. I mean, the 49ers just knocked off the Cardinals, who were within seconds of knocking off the Steelers in the Super Bowl, who also bested the Seahawks in the Super Bowl in 2006, which was a controversial win considering the officiating. And you know who the Seahawks quarterback was for that game? The same Matt Hasselbeck currently balding for Seattle. And you know where 49ers punter Andy Lee went to college? University of Pittsburgh. It all fits in somewhere. Uh, creepy thought: the winner of this game will be leading the division going into Week 3.
Seahawks by three.

Buccaneers at Bills
Leodis McKelvin makes me smile, and not because I’m a Patriots fan (obviously) and enjoyed his kickoff fumble last week. He makes me smile because two teenagers recently spray-painted obscenities on his lawn and he had the humility and perspective to laugh about it, then praise Buffalo fans as the best in the nation. Buffalo, you gotta love this guy, despite his on-field blunder last week. You’re also going to be big fans of Tampa Bay, who have somehow never played in Buffalo. Think about that. Tampa has had a professional franchise since 1976, which means that for a full third of a century, they’ve somehow managed to avoid playing at Ralph Wilson Stadium while playing everywhere else. Why do you hate western New York, Buccaneers?
Bills by six.

Steelers at Bears
Remember that time Jay Cutler was supposed to be the savior of the Bears? Yeah, me neither. Still, he can’t be as bad as he was last week, and an optimist might think that his exposure to the 3-4 defense and irregular blitz alignments will have prepared him to face the tenacious Steelers defense (albeit minus Pro Bowl/Samson incarnate Troy Polamalu). I’m not that optimist, not when it comes to a historically twitchy QB going against a man-eater like James Harrison.
Steelers by five.

You can’t tell from this angle, but James Harrison has actually hypnotized the entire stadium into voting him into the Hall of Fame. That’s how supernatural he is.

Ravens at Chargers
Phew! That’s the sound of the Chargers’ collective sigh of relief after escaping Oakland with a victory on Monday night, despite losing center Nick Hardwick and starting running back LaDanian Tomlinson to injuries. Their reward is to face the imposing Baltimore defense. Darren Sproles is going to have to be slinkier than normal, avoiding run blitzes, Ray Lewis dance numbers, and Joe Flacco’s unibrow, which threatens to overtake a playing surface at any given moment. What’s the pick here? The Ravens just struggled to beat the Chiefs. The Chargers are limping. The powder blue Kellen Winslow, Sr. jersey I have hanging in my closet knows which way the barometer is rising.
San Diego by three.

Browns at Broncos
You know what’s hilarious? The Browns used to give away their defensive ends to the Broncos just for kicks and laugh all the way to the bank with the draft picks they’d acquire occasionally in exchange. The humor is that those moves somehow made both teams worse. Is there a positional black hole in sports as bad as “Cleveland Browns defensive lineman”? I can come up with “Oakland Raiders wide receiver,” “Chicago Bears quarterback,” “Toronto Maple Leafs goaltender,” “Colorado Rockies pitcher,” and “Los Angeles Clippers [anything].” Can you think of any others? Hit me up with a comment below.
Broncos by one.

Giants at Cowboys (8:20 PM, SNF, NBC)
The grand opening of JerryLand kicks off by hosting an NFC East rival. Giants receivers should be warned that Eli Manning may get distracted by the shiny and colorful giant HD television hanging in the stadium, so passes are bound to stray from their targets. Tom Coughlin is a cagey coach, though. I think he has plans to hack into the Cowboys’ electronics and show a live webcam feed of a morose-looking Jessica Simpson wearing a buffalo-sauce stained pastel pink Romo jersey sinking into a couch and watching TMZ. Speaking of hackers, what’s the deal in Hollywood with the generic hacker role for action movies? They always get these scrawny white guys who zing one-liners with impeccable timing as they easily circumnavigate the country’s best security systems with eight-character override commands, all the while using some computer interface that has never existed but looks totally awesome. Has Hollywood ever met a computer programmer? They are not full of whimsy or charisma. Much like Eli Manning.
Cowboys by three.

Team/Player Photos: Indianapolis Colts v Green Bay Packers on Aug 26, 2010

Colts at Dolphins (8:30 PM, MNF, ESPN)
These two teams used to be AFC East rivals, and, uh…Joey Porter! That’s about all I could come up with. Better luck at finding storylines, ESPN.
Colts by ten.

Last week’s picks: 12-4